I wasn't always like this
Updated: Jul 12, 2022
These days, I'm feeling so joyful, confident and loved- and my life is full of abundance and Magic- but I wasn't always like this...
It took a long time, and a lot of healing to become the person I am today...It's a loonggg story, but I'll try to make it short!
As I write this post, I'm sitting in my childhood bedroom in Hawai'i where I grew up. Looking through old things. And re-reading some old diary entries and looking at old pictures.
My Dad reminding me of how much of a sassy trouble maker I was and all my crazy stories.
Growing up, I was definitely a Wild Child. I had a love for nature- always running outside, climbing trees and being around animals. I was always expressive and you could tell my mood just by looking at my face. I was loud and outspoken. As a kid, it was okay to be like this run and play, but as you "grow up" you're asked to fit into a box.
To follow rules, to conform and this is when things started to change.
Having to fit into society's definition of "normal" didn't work for me. As a teenager, I was figuring out who I was and that I couldn't fit into the "normal" box. I started to hate myself.
I felt like the real me would not be accepted in the world. I hated who I was. I started to physically harm myself.
I was lucky enough to have a friend who told me that wasn't okay and urged me to talk to my parents. Talking to her helped me stop harming myself but I still wasn't okay.
I couldn't bring myself to fully explain something I didn't understand and instead of talking to them I hid it- my depression. Pretending to be okay on the outside but hating myself and hiding this secret (Depression) led to Anxiety. These are all things I was completely unaware of at the time.
Anxiety, Depression's best friend
Anxiety, isn't like depression. My anxiety manifested in trying to be perfect. Getting perfect grades, excelling in sports, people pleasing. From the outside I was a " healthy and successful kid," inside it was war. I hated myself. I had terrible stomach aches and very bad digestive issues. I also remember not having any friends. The people I hung around were just people I surrounded myself to fit in. I was an empty shell inside. Then things started to get to be too much. I stopped playing sports, lost interest in school and had really dark suicidal thoughts.
Slowly my parents started to notice, and we started our first therapy sessions. I remember my first therapist, she gave me all these weird natural substances and I really liked her, I felt listened to, accepted and not judged.
However, for my parents they thought I needed something more. Depression and Anxiety are not something you can cure with a few therapy sessions, it's very complex. It's a hard thing to fully understand, wanted to try something else. A psychiatrist, to prescribe me pills. I remember her, she was a little scary and recorded me during our sessions and when I watched the videos of me I saw a very sad girl, someone I didn't recognize. Seeing myself in the recording is when I realized something was wrong.
Things with the psychiatrist weren't working out, she kept pushing me to take medication. And although there is nothing wrong with it, I did want to take it. I honestly felt like what I needed was a space to be understood and accepted, and pills would not do that for me.
My Own type of Therapy
At the time, I started to explore and experiment with my physical appearance. Dying my hair lots of different colors, wearing bold makeup and listening to heavy metal, punk and rock music. Yes, I was that weird Goth/Emo Kid, but for me in that world I was accepted. The lyrics and music were dark, but they spoke about not belonging and not being accepted. It was like they heard the thoughts in my head and were screaming them out loud. I felt heard and understood.
Now this was definitely a lot for my parents, and although I was feeling better, feeling accepted, they didn't understand. But for me this way of expressing myself and finding acceptance in my weirdness made me start to love myself and believe in myself.
I know this is cliche and people always say, "the music saved me." But it really did. I surrounded myself in my weird little tribe, danced it out at concerts, and screamed out loud all the lyrics. And I wrote and started drawing. These were my cures.
My senior year of High School, I started playing basketball again and paying attention in school and got accepted into University in New York. And in New York, I found a bunch of weirdos who accepted me as I was.
For me, the biggest cure in my Mental Health Journey was finding a space where I was accepted and creative outlets. It's funny that 20 years later, I still consider myself a weirdo and have created my own form of therapy with my sound healing,crystals and my small tribe of friends who are all just as weird as me.
And this is how I do my work now. With love and acceptance, reminding you that you don't have to fit in a box, and you can be uniquely you and fully accepted and loved.
Wishing you Lots of Aloha,